Dear Maura
by omnomnivore
Summary: For week 9 on tumblr on rizzlesfanficchallenges. The prompt was mistakes. TRIGGER WARNING.


A/N: This was for week 9 on tumblr on rizzlesfanficchallenges. The prompt was mistakes. TRIGGER WARNING.

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Dear Maura,

I've messed up a lot during my life. I've screwed up so many times. I've always been able to get back up and keep going though. But this, this is different. I woke up today and for that one moment, I forgot. I forgot that you weren't here. I forgot that when I turned to look at you, you wouldn't be there. I need you to know how sorry I am.

I shouldn't have left you that night. I should have stayed. I should've got down on my knees and begged and pleaded and sobbed and told you that I was stupid. I should've told you to take me back. I should've looked around. I should've listened to my instincts. I should've, would've, could've done so many things.

It's been a year since I left you. A year since I left you alone in some shitty ass parking lot. A year since I ignored the man in the hoodie. A year since I left you to be attacked. A year since I wasn't there to save you. A year that I've had to live without you.

I've got everyone worried. They made me go on leave, made me leave my gun at the station. They're afraid I'll shoot myself.

But I couldn't do that to you.

You're still here. I was digging around in my junk drawer today when I found the little stuffed fish you won for me. You were so proud you had popped two balloons that I couldn't take my turn. I knew I would pop every single one and I would win you the purple bulldog you'd been looking at, but I didn't want to be the one to wipe the smile off your face.

Only, I did. Not a few hours later. I was stupid and brash and so horribly wrong. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I will never be able to apologize and tell you I love you. I'll never know how such a stupid argument caused me to leave.

I had a ring in my pocket that night. I was going to propose. I had everything all planned with the guy in the basketball booth. I was going to hand him my money and the ring and when I made the shot, he was going to bring it to me and I was going to get down on one knee.

Four hours later, I got a call. It was from dispatch. They said there was a homicide by the fair. I was the first one on scene. I got there before Frost and Korsak for the first time in a long while. The uniform was a rookie, he didn't know you yet. I don't know how he had missed the papers for the past four years, but he didn't recognize you. He let me under the tape and I saw you there. I saw you.

I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. The rookie led me away. He asked if I knew you. I punched him. And then I vomited. Frost and Korsak had finally arrived and ran over to me. I was saying your name, over and over again. At least, that's what they told me.

Frost was telling me she wasn't here yet and I didn't know Korsak had moved away from us to look at the body. To see what was causing me to act like that. I remember hearing him walk over to us and telling Frost to get me out of there. I remember everything from that night. They took me off the case, but Frost and Korsak stayed on it. They caught the bastard a few weeks later.

When they brought him in, five cops had to restrain me. That smug fucker went from smiling to pissing his pants. They almost let me go, they almost let me beat the shit out of them. Except for Crowe. He made sure I didn't go rushing in. He made sure I didn't ruin my career. He let me hate him.

I will never like him, but I know why he acts the way he does now. He had just been promoted to detective when his wife and son had been hit by a drunk driver. He was just as screwed up as me. Only, he didn't have someone stopping him from ruining his life. He beat the guy so bad that the man is in a coma. He almost lost his job and almost got thrown in jail. I'm glad he stopped me. If only because you would've been disappointed in me.

I'm going to therapy today. I want to be a good cop again. I just hope you can forgive me for leaving you that night. I love you.

- Jane

I cried as I lay the letter her grave. I didn't want to move on, but I knew I had to. I kissed her headstone and walked away.

_Maura Dorthea Isles_

_1976 - 2015_

_The Dumbest Genuis We Know_


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